Valentines Day Surprise
by Robmeister2010
Summary: What happens when Sheldon reveals an interesting piece of knowledge? Rated M for sexual talk/non descriptive sex. One shot as opposed to multi chapter.


Sheldon was sat in his chair deeply engrossed in a paper he was writing on his laptop. So engrossed, even his Vulcan hearing hadn't heard their regular apartment visitor arrive.

"Happy Valentines day sweetie." Came a voice from just behind him.

"GOOD LORD!" screamed Sheldon leaping straight out of his chair in shock.

"What's up with you?" asked Penny stumbling back to avoid being hit by his flailing arms.

"Penny, you scared the hell out of me!" yelled Sheldon trying to get his heartbeat back down.

"Bazinga?" queried Penny.

"No!" replied Sheldon.

"What about your Vulcan hearing?" asked Penny.

"Apparently it failed me whilst I was reading my research paper." Replied Sheldon. Penny looked apologetic.

"I'm sorry sweetie. I didn't mean to scare you. It's Valentines day." Said Penny.

"It's hokum is what it is." Replied Sheldon. Penny rolled her eyes.

"You don't believe in Valentines day?" she asked.

"Of course not." Replied Sheldon. He reached for his cup and went to the counter to pour himself another cup of tea.

"Valentines day is the day of the year when people in love get to celebrate." Said Penny.

"Penny, we've known each other for several years, how can you not know that I don't accept the notion of couples in love?" asked Sheldon.

"Aren't you and Amy going to celebrate?" asked Penny.

"No. Amy terminated our relationship agreement a few days ago when she met someone at work that didn't share my dislike for coitus." Replied Sheldon.

"Aww, sweetie, I'm sorry. Amy's just a horny toad." Said Penny.

"Amy is not a toad, neither do toads have horns." Said Sheldon.

"New topic!" cried Penny quickly, not feeling like a Sheldon Cooper lecture at this early in the morning.

"May I interject a topic of interest?" asked Sheldon looking up from his cup.

"Sure." Smiled Penny.

"It's 8.00. Why are you out of bed 3 hours early?" asked Sheldon. Penny smirked as Sheldon made the mistake of taking a gulp of his tea.

"I came over here to have coitus with you." She grinned. She laughed triumphantly as Sheldon spat tea all over the counter and looked at her in shock.

"Relax sweetie, I actually came to ask you something." Said Penny. Sheldon set about drying the counter with paper towels with a look of dread at what was coming.

"It's not about shoes is it? I can't deal with another conversation about that again." He stated. Penny rolled her eyes.

"It's not about shoes." Said Penny.

"Go on." He replied.

"My laptop is freezing." She said.

"Electronic equipment does not respond well to extremes of temperature. Where are you keeping it to make it reach 0 degrees Celsius? Or 32 degrees Fahrenheit depending on your choice of scale?" asked Sheldon. Penny let out an exasperated sigh.

"It's not _literally_ freezing Sheldon! God, is Leonard here, it's too much hassle asking you." Groaned Penny.

"Are you experiencing difficulties with your laptop? Did you spill yogurt and nail varnish on it again?" asked Sheldon.

"It keeps freezing up, every time I try and do something it stops working." Said Penny.

"When did you last defragment the hard drive?" he asked. Penny looked at him with a blank expression and he gave her a look of disbelief.

"If you don't defragment the hard drive becomes messy. Maybe it came out in sympathy with your apartment?" he asked with a smirk.

"Bite me." Hissed Penny.

"Why would I bite you? I'm not a carnivore or a vampire so I have no need to." Said Sheldon looking confused.

"Oh god, it's too early in the morning for this…" sighed Penny rubbing her forehead softly with her hand.

"Oh street slang? I believe the response you're looking for is…kiss it?" asked Sheldon.

"Excuse me?" asked Penny looking at him.

"I've been researching slang. You can suck on this." he said.

"You're supposed to grab your crotch when you do that." Said Penny.

"Wouldn't that hurt?" he asked.

"Ladies and gentlemen, gangter Sheldon is indahouse!" said Penny sarcastically.

"Firstly, the term you are referring to is in the house. Secondly, sarcasm?" he asked.

"Yes. Look, can you help me with my laptop or not?" asked Penny.

"Why are you so concerned about your laptop? Shouldn't you be getting back to your apartment to see whatever guy you brought home leave never to call again?" he asked with a smirk. Penny advanced towards him.

"Sheldon, have you ever had a cup of steaming hot tea in your face? Keep that up and you will!" she said pointing at him.

"I'm sorry, I suppose I should be impressed that you have managed to grace us with your presence before 11 am. Wait, this doesn't count as a throat punch because I'm talking to you does it?" he asked throwing his arm over his neck.

"No. I came over to you. I punch you if you wake me up before 11." She reminded him. Sheldon nodded and lowered his arm.

"Very well. Bring your laptop over and let's see what vortex of entropy your file system is in." said Sheldon.

"It's charging in the mains." Said Penny. Sheldon rolled his eyes and checked to make sure he had got all the tea off the counter from before and then followed her over to her apartment.

"Great Ceasers ghost!" he said rolling his eyes at the chaos that she called a living room.

"Look, it's doing it again!" cried Penny pressing buttons on the keyboard with no effect.

"Penny, I would suggest you purchase new delicates which do not contain holes." Said Sheldon delicately lifting a pair of her knickers from the floor.

"They're crotchless panties." She replied, smirking as Sheldon threw them across the room and ran for the bathroom and the sanctity of detergent and soap.

"I should clean up in here. I have no idea where my phone is." She said to herself. Sheldon soon reappeared.

"Penny, explain to me an organisational system where burrito wrappers are stuffed between the couch cushions?" he asked.

"Oh honey, I'm so glad you came over here." Said Penny.

"Sarcasm?" he asked.

"No." she replied.

"Damn, I still can't get 100% on that." He sighed. Penny rolled her eyes, as she often did when faced with a conversation with Sheldon, and allowed Sheldon to join her at the laptop.

"From first glance you have insufficient memory capabilities. You've probably exceeded your memory chips with all your internet surfing and downloading applications courtesy of _our_ wifi which you make no contribution towards." Said Sheldon.

"Oh man, I can't afford to upgrade it, I'm behind on my bills already!" sighed Penny.

"I have some memory chips which would likely be compatible for this model of laptop. I will fit them free of charge on one condition." Said Sheldon.

"I let you clean my apartment?" she asked anticipating his response ahead of time.

"Please Penny, it's making me insane!" he pleaded.

"Fine, go for it. I'm gonna take a bath." Said Penny. Two hours later Penny was finishing drying her hair.

*knock knock knock* Penny!

*knock knock knock* Penny!

*knock knock knock* Penny!

"What is it Sheldon?" she asked.

"Are you nearly done? Breakfast is getting cold." Came the reply. Penny raised her eyebrows in surprise and opened the bathroom door. She stepped out into the cleanest living room she had ever seen and turned to the table.

"You made me breakfast?" she asked.

"Your bread was due to expire today." He explained pointing at the scrambled eggs on toast he had made for both of them. She joined him at the table.

"Wow, thankyou sweetie. I can't remember the last time someone cooked for me." She smiled.

"Seasoning?" he asked holding the salt shaker over her plate. She shook her head.

"This looks delicious sweetie." She said. She smirked a little.

"It's kinda like a valentines breakfast. I hope you're not expecting me to put out afterwards?" she asked fighting with herself to keep a straight face.

"Put out? Oh no, I already dealt with the garbage." Said Sheldon. Penny stifled a laugh at his naivety.

"It's very sweet of you. This place is looking amazing." Said Penny.

"It's clean." He replied.

"Sarcasm?" she asked.

"Yes." He smiled, clearly pleased with himself.

"Good for you sweetie." She smiled.

"So what disorder of chaos do you have planned for the hokum that is Valentines Day?" Sheldon asked placing a mouthful of egg in his mouth.

"Well, since I'm single, not much is gonna be happening." Sighed Penny.

"You sound sad? There are plenty of things to occupy yourself with despite the constant need for a partner." Said Sheldon.

"I'm not like you Sheldon. I like having someone to spend time with. Someone that isn't physics." Said Penny.

"Since I have spent the last two hours cleaning your apartment the only thing I'll likely be spending time with is a doctor at the hospital." Said Sheldon.

"Sarcasm again sweetie?" she asked.

"It's flowing from my mouth with ease." He grinned.

"There's something coming out of your mouth alright!" said Penny sarcastically.

"Tell me Penny. What exactly is the social convention for this hokum day?" asked Sheldon. Penny paused for a moment.

"Well, people spend the day together." Said Penny.

"Human interaction. How thrilling." Said Sheldon.

"Seriously, enough with the sarcasm." Said Penny. She got a piece of egg on her fork and purposely flicked it, catching him on the side of the cheek.

"Penny!" he cried wiping his cheek.

"It slipped?" she offered with an innocent smile.

"The egg just slipped off your fork and projected right across the table to my face? Do you have any symptoms Penny?" he asked.

"What sort of symptoms?" asked Penny.

"Growing nose…a warm sensation in the trouser region…otherwise known as liar liar pants on fire!" said Sheldon.

"You want some toast with that egg?" she asked flicking a piece of toast at him and hitting him right in the nose.

"Penny, you're not a child, where are your table manners?" he cried wiping himself again.

"God Sheldon, don't you ever have any fun?" she asked.

"Fun like firing food at people?" he asked.

"Take a piece of egg on your fork. Five bucks says you can't get it in my mouth." She grinned opening her mouth. Sheldon rolled his eyes, and fired the egg first time into her mouth.

"I'm impressed." Smiled Penny.

"When you're a master of physics Penny, anything is possible." Said Sheldon.

"Even sex?" she smirked.

"Should one be afflicted for a need of such then yes. Despite my in depth knowledge of coitus techniques, I do not require implementation as I have full control of my biological urges." Said Sheldon.

"Wait, are you telling me you know how to please a woman?" asked Penny open mouthed.

"Cunnilingus orgasm can be achieved in 27 seconds via the right technique." Replied Sheldon matter of factly.

"Bull! Noone can get someone off in 27 seconds!" cried Penny.

"Like I said Penny…when you understand physics…you can achieve anything." He said, flicking another piece of egg into her open mouth with little effort.

"You're making it up." Said Penny disbelievingly.

"I'm a physicist. I do not make things up." Replied Sheldon.

"27 seconds? That's just…that's not even possible!" said Penny.

"You want me to demonstrate?" asked Sheldon. Penny really regretted taking a mouthful of toast at that moment, as she stood up from the table choking.

"Penny, for goodness sake!" cried Sheldon. Before she knew what was happening, Sheldon was round the table standing behind her with his arms round her waist, performing the Heimlich manoeuvre. Toast flew across the table and Penny lay against the table gasping for breath.

"OK now?" he asked. Penny became very aware of Sheldon standing so close behind her with his arms still around her waist and his hands on her stomach. She stood up fully and leaned back against him.

"You…you can demonstrate?" she asked, so quietly that only his now recovered Vulcan hearing could pick it up.

"I have explicit diagrams on my laptop." Said Sheldon.

"I don't want diagrams!" cried Penny.

"What _do_ you want?" asked Sheldon. Penny pulled a face. Did she really want Sheldon Cooper to do _THAT_?!

"I still say it's rubbish." Said Penny.

"Your opinion. It's wrong. But it's your opinion." Said Sheldon. Penny steadied herself against the table as Sheldon moved back round the table. Somehow she missed the warmth of his arms around her.

"So what else do you think you know? Can you get a woman to scream your name in under 60 seconds?" she asked sarcastically.

"Why would I want to hear my own name? I say it often enough myself." Shrugged Sheldon. He sat down and continued his breakfast. Penny sunk down into her chair and stared at him.

"Don't you want the rest of your food?" he asked.

"I've kind of lost interest in it. The revelation of asexual Sheldon Cooper knowing more than the Kama Sutra collection has kind of blown me away." Admitted Penny.

"I never said I was asexual." Said Sheldon.

"OK, now you're freaking kidding me! You're saying you have urges now?" asked Penny.

"Of course I have urges. I'm a male. I just supress them." Explained Sheldon.

"But don't you ever feel like just…experimenting?" asked Penny.

"Whilst I am not an expert by any means in the world of social conventions, I believe the spontaneous satisfying of sexual needs in public places are forbidden by the laws of our country." Said Sheldon.

"I'm talking about inside. Don't you ever feel like just getting a girl back to your room and …relaxing?" asked Penny.

"Preposterous. Noone can be in my bedroom." Said Sheldon dismissing it immediately.

"Aren't you ever in the least bit curious. Because I've gotta tell you Sheldon, if you know how to get a girl to her happy place in less than 30 seconds…you are gonna get laid, and laid good!" said Penny.

"As I am not a patio or garden decking I'm assuming by "laid" you mean coitus?" he asked. Penny nodded.

"I have no interest in that." Said Sheldon.

"You just haven't met the right person." Said Penny. She stood up from the table and pulled open her towel.

"Penny!" he cried seeing her naked body and leaning back until his chair tipped over, leaving him sprawled across the floor. Penny walked round and hoisted him to his feet by his hand.

"What are you doing?" asked Sheldon stumbling back towards her room.

"An experiment." She grinned in reply. She closed the bedroom door behind them.

"Alright Sheldon…have at it." She smiled sitting at the bottom of the bed and laying back to give him the best position. Over at 4A, Leonard had just woken up.

"Sheldon, what are all these tea stained towels doing on the counter?" he called. No response. A few seconds later, he could hear a voice from the apartment across the hall.

"OH SHELDON!"

"Oh god, is he cleaning her apartment while she's asleep again? It's too early for this." Leonard groaned to himself and turned to go back to bed.

"SHELDON! OH GOD! SHELDON!"

"What the hell is he doing over there?!" cried Leonard in shock and hurrying into his room, not wanting to get drawn into whatever "argument" was occurring across the hall. Meanwhile, across the hall…

"27 seconds exactly. You're welcome." Smirked Sheldon getting to his feet, glancing down at the panting Penny gasping for breath.

"Sheldon?" she whispered.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Thank you for the best Valentines day present ever!" she grinned.

"Who says that is limited just to Valentines day?" he asked. Pennys eyes went wide.

"Do you have any idea how much I want to do you right now?" she asked.

"Penny please, that is so inappropriate, I'm your friend." Said Sheldon leaving the room. Penny picked up the towel and wrapped it round him and walked out of the bedroom.

"Friend? Sheldon, friends do not do…that!" said Penny.

"Like you said. It was an experiment." Shrugged Sheldon leaving her apartment.

"That may be the first piece of science I've ever enjoyed." Mused Penny to herself.


End file.
